TJ Hirst

I am the wife of an LDS (Mormon) bishop. My best friend from high school is the wife of a Jewish rabbi. By reconnecting on the Internet we have discovered that as wives of clergy we have a lot in common and that the congregations our husbands lead have far more similarities than we imagined.

A common theme has emerged in my mind as I travel around the world of mothers on the Internet—the deep emotional response of women about the divisiveness in our current world culture.

Robin at Around the Island writes in her post Why Do We Hate,

How is it that so many millions, billions, of people in this world honestly feel it is better to hate and to fear than to extend a hand in friendship? How can anyone raise their children to hate, to fear, even to murder those who are different? Are we really so different from each other? What would happen if we all chose to enact a change, to let that change begin right here, right now. To let go of hate and fear and learn to celebrate our differences.

In another of Robin’s posts, The Importance of a Supportive Community I found another Mother in Israel writing this true statement, “Every family needs to be part of a connected, supportive community.” Her post includes an important list of ways we can make our community stronger.

Building social capital has been a topic in our community of late, and I posted a poll on what helps you feel that you belong to a community.

As I consider Robin’s statement to “celebrate our differences” I wonder if our real purpose is not to find what is different but to find as she says that we “aren’t so different from each other.”

Lis of Woolgatherings, in an interview with Michelle at Scribbit, talks about blogging and staying away from controversial topics like religion and politics. She says,

Although every blogger has the right to include what she wishes on her blog, I don’t think it’s fair to force your opinions on others. I tend to stay away from blogs that are overtly negative or criticize, and especially those that are close-minded. I have one real-life friend whose religious and political views have always been the complete opposite of mine. And yet, we have so much other than that in common.

Our intolerance of differing opinions is contributing to broken families, divided communities and ultimately to hate, fear, murder and war, and that itself is a controversial topic.

However, it is a topic that mothers especially should be considering and writing about in a positive way precisely because as Lis says, “We do have so much in common and we aren’t so different from each other.”

I served as a regional president of a large women’s organization for nearly five years. I found that the more we focused on diversity, the less unity we attained. And, the more we focused on what we have in common, the more unity we gained.

As we aim to build communities throughout the world, despite our differences, our purpose should be to seek unity, not diversity, by finding what we have in common.

There is a movement to highlight diversity as a goal rather than a fact. Differences are real and the very word itself implies a lack of agreement. But magnifying our differences divides us.

In our culture we have come to look for what differentiates us from those we disagree with, explore or magnify those differences, build evidence for our side, find others who agree with us, and ultimately divide ourselves into separate groups who engage in divisive communication with the groups who oppose us.

Once these separate groups occur, we have little ability to move between separate groups and regain or form larger and stronger communities.

The website Indivisible: Stories of American Community

portrays—through the original artistic contributions of leading photographers and interviewers—the creativity, energy, and richness of local involvement in America, a largely untold story of the many individual and combined acts that are shaping communities and ultimately the future of the country.

While each person will have their own experience in this documentary gallery, I am inspired by the similarities of individuals and places, not their differences.

I envision a community to be just what it means—a group of people in the same place or locality who build on their common interests. And our ability to communicate about what makes us compatible will connect our communities, one family to another, the world over.

^{Read more of Finding What Inspires in April when I post the series, “Conversations with a Jewish Rabbi and a Mormon Bishop” on Wednesdays as part of Everyday Biography.}

I was deep in thought as I considered a discussion in church. Later, a friend said, “You weren’t smiling during that discussion.”

My countenance revealed the truth inside of me like this scripture from the Old Testament:

The shew of their countenance doth witness against them. Isaiah 3:9

I was reminded that I may not be keeping my challenge to smile more, which has been a good goal but is one that takes effort. This counsel from a past leader in my church encourages me:

Every man and every person who lives in this world wields an influence, whether for good or for evil. It is not what he says alone; it is not alone what he does. It is what he is. Every man, every person radiates what he or she really is . . . It is what we are and what we radiate that affects the people around us.

David O. McKay
^{from Man May Know for Himself}

I hope I will radiate the depth in me that reaches beyond just a smile on the surface.

In a segment on National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation this week, an LA Times columnist discussed college women going on spring break trips as a rite of passage into womanhood and a means to build self confidence. In the original article Raunch Is Rebranded as Confidence, the columnist, Meghan Daum, wrote:

It’s young people, women especially, deciding that the way to measure their readiness for the adult world is not in terms of education or emotional maturity but sexual desirability.

This segment has been stewing in my mind in sharp contrast to an inspiring discussion with my sister-in-law, Tina, about womanhood.

That contrast sparked a review of my own journey into womanhood which, ironically, began as a backlash from my own spring break trip that left me searching for more.

Eighteen years of my journey as a woman have revealed that real confidence and beauty in womanhood do not come from the fleeting feelings of affirmation from exploited attractiveness but by embracing and elevating everyday feminine opportunities.

Tina shared with me the song, A Woman of Grace, that she found through her participation in the women’s choir, We Also Sing.

Here’s a clip of A Woman of Grace and some words to consider while you listen:

One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity.

It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.One of your particular gifts is your feminine intuition.

Do not limit yourselves. As you seek to know the will of our Heavenly Father in your life and become more spiritual, you will be far more attractive, even irresistible. You can use your smiling loveliness to bless those you love and all you meet, and spread great joy.

Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others.

James E. Faust
Womanhood the Highest Place of Honor

In the song and this quotation I FIND the real spirit and qualities of being a woman. While they are idealized, it is an ideal I hope to hand my daughters of what I have found to be truly desirable.

The words to A Woman of Grace were written by Patricia Holland, wife of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, as a tribute to Ruth Faust, after the passing of her husband, President James E. Faust, a leader in the LDS Church.

The music for this song was written by Merrilee Webb. CDs of the November 2007 performance of this song and others are available by sending $8.00 per CD to Merrilee Webb, 564 S. Thornwood, Salt Lake City, UT 84123.

In Minnesota we joke about only have two seasons, winter and __________ (mosquitoes, road construction, other). In terms of our community it is winter and the time when you see your neighbors again. I just ran into my neighbor at the YMCA and suggested that maybe it is time to start planning another block party.

Our neighborhood is in a growing micropolitan in central Minnesota where two smaller towns have grown together and meshed into a larger community. We also have an influx of seasonal residence in the spring and summer that add to our size. The local newspaper just completed a five-part series on a social capital survey in our community. It defines social capital as

human connections that make for healthier people, neighborhoods and society. Those connections or relationships are considered part of what generates a sense of belonging . . . Research indicates communities rich in social capital tend to have desirable attributes—higher achievements in education, better performance in government, faster economic growth and less crime and violence.

We moved to this community eight years ago today. One neighbor showed up on our doorstep within hours of our arrival with pasties and gardening advice (the garden can’t go in for two more months). Her welcome certainly went a long way in helping us feel a sense of belonging. We have since learned that to belong we have to make an active effort. We have made small and large contributions. One of those contributions is that my husband started a business here. His business partner recently wrote about this community survey and what it means for someone who has moved from outside the area to build a business here.

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Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us today?

I was reading the March Redbook Magazine while I waited to get my haircut. More than 15 minutes into the wait I found myself reading an “advice” question and answer about what do with a friend who has a blog and is always pestering you to comment. The answer was to set boundaries on the time you can give to what your friend is pressing upon you.

I ended up waiting for 30 minutes beyond my haircut appointment. That was 30 extra minutes to consider what all my friends must be thinking about me for asking them to read and comment.

When my stylist finally called for me, I paused in my thoughts about what I might say (or think) about her inevitable apologies for being late. My gut reaction was to hope that I could express that dissatisfaction without just saying, “Oh, It’s all right.” (When it really wasn’t.)

Fortunately, her apology didn’t play out until the end of my haircut. I say fortunately because that gave me time to understand.

Her children were unexpectedly off school that day. She had taken someone for “blood work” in the morning and those tests took longer than expected. One child was home with a possible ear infection. So, she was contemplating how to schedule a trip to the doctor between working that day and returning to work that night. And she was worried about another child who hadn’t arrived home, yet. Plus, she just broke the salon coffee pot. And now her haircuts were backing up.

I accepted her apologies and offered to style my own hair at home. I left the salon only an hour after arriving, which wasn’t more than ten or fifteen minutes longer than usual.

I was grateful to be given time to understand her.